ONE PILL MAKES YOU LARGER….

I have often thought that it would be far more constructive for pharmaceutical companies to come up with, rather than new diet drugs, simply a drug that makes one taller.  For example, I myself at 5'2", would have a perfect body without losing any weight at all if I could just add on, say, two feet.

Consider it.  If they could figure out what the chemical is in my son's body that grows him taller every night wouldn't it then be possible to extract some of that chemical or hormone or whatever, make a synthetic version out of it, package it nicely, say in a pretty green (for growing) box and sell it? It's a billion dollar idea.  We could call it, "Rotundanol" or "Short-Be-Gone."  I would buy stock in a company that was doing that. They do it for penises for God's sake, why not fat women??

I admit I am frustrated when I watch my son eat.  He got up this morning and devoured two blueberry muffins, 3 eggs and 3 waffles.  Two hours later, he consumed 18 Bagel Bites. At the school picnic this afternoon he had french fries and Kettle Korn. The rest of the day, while he sits completely stagnant on a couch for 6 hours playing X-Box, he will eat a full bowl of spaghetti covered with parmesan cheese, buttered bread, an orange soda, a bowl of cereal (just so he doesn't get hungry) and a couple brownies. Tonight he will grow a half an inch and when he wakes up in the morning his ribs will show through his skin.

I on the other hand today had a banana, a yogurt and a glass of wine.  I walked the dogs two miles and did 106 sit ups.  Tonight while I sleep, my spine will contract and when I wake up in the morning, I'll be shorter, stiffer, uglier and able to dent a Volkswagon with my hip.

Is it wrong that I am jealous?  Shouldn't I be a bigger person than this? Shouldn't I know that my time is over and be thrilled that my beautiful son has the good fortune to possess a spectacular lean, graceful body?  I guess I should.  It's just that —  I'm so hungry. 

Skele-Tall… Elongatrin…Moreovyu…ElimaChub.  Somebody, please.