Posts from — April 2010

My girlfriend calls her daughter’s cell phone.  She’s startled when it rings on the counter right next to her. Even more startled when she looks down at it and sees herself I.D.’d as “The Bitch.”

If I took a razor to him while he was sleeping, do you think he’d notice?

We all know that getting a teenager to actually converse with you is the holy grail of parenting.  So imagine my delight when a couple weeks ago I tucked my kid in, started out of his room and heard:

“Guess what happened today?”

My pulse quickened.  My mind lit up with possible options.  Was he in trouble?  Seeking advice?  Trying to re-establish contact??  I turned slowly so as not to scare him off.

“What’s that, honey?”

Well, it was a story about P.E. class.  Not a very good one, but I was glad to hear it.  Then, there was a follow-up story. And a small discussion.  And an anecdote.  At eleven-thirty he finally went to bed, but hey, in my mind it was worth it.  We’d had a talk.  He was reaching out.  I was succeeding big-time as a parent.

The next day although tired, I quickly arranged a lunch with several friends who also had a teenagers.  As hard as it was, I managed to sit there for a full eleven minutes before dropping my bombshell.  ”Anyway… Danny and I were talking last night, and…”   I heard a small gasp on my left.  Food literally fell from the mouth of the woman sitting across from me.  This was turning out better than I’d even imagined.  My friend Diane squinted her eyes and leaned forward.  ”He speaks to you?”  ”Oh yes,” I replied with a look that said,  ”Doesn’t your son speak to you?”   I told them the P.E. story.  They listened in what could only be described as awed silence.  Then after I’d milked that as long as I could, I told them the anecdote.  There were questions.  All of them pleading for some kind of information on the lives of their own kids.  ”Did Danny happen to mention what they eat for lunch?”  ”Did he say anything about Matthew’s grades?  ”Does Jeffrey ever talk about me?”

That night I went in to Danny’s room to say goodnight.  He was sitting up in bed listening to music and when I walked in, he took his earphones out.  I’m going to say this again.  He-took-his-earphones-out.  He looked up at me and once again, words came from his mouth.  ”Want to hear something funny?”   Oh my God, I thought.  I’m the real deal.  He is seeking me out.  Well, can I tell you, we talked ’til midnight.  He told me an endless mind-numbing story about something that had happened on X-Box.  Then he told me the P.E. story again.  Every time I considered putting a stop to it and making him go to sleep, I knew that I’d regret it.  We had a dialogue going… a dull and repetitive one, but a dialogue nonetheless.  I didn’t want to do anything to spoil that.

I got up at my usual 5:30 a.m. and women I barely knew began calling me to hear the P.E. story and the anecdote.  I threw in a few highlights from the new incomprehensible X-Box thing and before I knew it, I was receiving a call from the head of the Middle School Parent Association.  Would I consider speaking at the next meeting?  Well of course I would.  It would be so selfish to keep this kind of  skill and insight to oneself.

Friday night.  I sat down with a pad of paper.   How could I best impart my newfound child-raising expertise to these people who were begging for my help?  I pictured myself standing at the lectern, looking out into a sea of needy parents. Giving them hope that they too could break down the unnecessary barrier between themselves and their teen.  Giving them hope that they could be like me. “These are good lines,” I thought.  I started making my notes.  ”Unnecessary barrier.”  ”Be like me.”

Danny was on the computer and since it was the weekend, he planned to stay up late.  Still, I thought that before I went to sleep, I should give him a shot at our little night time chat.

“Honey?”

“Mm.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Did you want to talk?”

“What?”

“You know.  How we’ve been kind of talking every night?”

“Oh, yah.”  He smiled up at me.  ”I just didn’t want to go to bed.”